Gram’s Wisdom 18: Relationships, mindfulness, and couples
My Gram and Grandpa frequently did little things for one another. He always took care of her car. She just had to get in and drive. But what sent Gram over the moon was the fresh oyster stew he would cook for her twice or three times a year. We lived in a small landlocked Indiana town, so he got big brownie points for that. She in turn would shovel snow occasionally from the house to the garage when he had to go to work in the middle of the night.
In the last several weeks, my honey, Michael, and I have been, like so many others, doing home improvement projects. As I wrote in a previous post Gram was not a big advocate of spending vacation time for that. Still, with four dogs and the current situation, vacation seems far off at this time.
None the less a couple of the projects were done with me, specifically in mind. To make me happy and relieve my worry. My Gram would have said this was mindfully done with an open heart.
I will place links at the bottom of this post to both of those previous posts.
Pay attention to your relationship
It’s no lie that a good relationship is hard work. People are busy with life and simply neglect to nurture their union. Usually, it turns into a conflict for the time between family, work, and self-care. With all that happens in a day or even a week, what’s left-over for maintaining a relationship? Exactly that, leftovers.
Unintentionally, we often overlook giving our partner what is necessary for a healthy relationship. Mindfulness for a couple is used mainly in couples counseling sessions by professionals. But why wait until there’s so much agitation between you that couch time in a therapists’ office becomes necessary? There are plenty of practices you could initiate now!
Let’s take a look at the mindfulness concept. In a nutshell, the practice of mindfulness is being present in the moment. Becoming aware of the situation at hand and accepting, without judgment, what’s happening. It might sound complicated but it’s rather simple, it just takes practice.
How does mindfulness benefit a relationship?
Mindfulness actions for a couple are much the same as for you alone. Only with your partner. No, not necessarily breathing exercises (although a deep breath where you think before you speak is always a good thing) but there are plenty of other exercises you can do with your mate that will help develop a greater understanding of their emotional state.
Waiting until you are in the middle of a screaming match before trying to meaningfully communicate can be less than effective. But by that point, who is willing to listen, when words go flying and feelings get mutilated? Frequently this is followed by regret and hopefully an apology or (shudder) even the silent treatment; neither of which are truly healthy.
“When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another - and ourselves.”
So, let’s take a look at some specific mindfulness for couple’s techniques that might be useful:
A daily affirmation
It’s one thing to tell your love that you appreciate something they are doing or have done, but when you give them your undivided attention, look them in the eyes and follow the affirmation with how it makes you feel, it is far more appreciatively received, and it sticks.
To go a step further, your partner would effectively reiterate what you’ve just told them in their own words. For example, “I love it when you rub my back after a long day at work; it makes me feel like you’ve seen that I’m tense and want to help.” Your partner would then follow-up with his interpretation of what you’ve just relayed.
A mindful date night
Sounds simple enough right? But there are rules! Put your devices down if you are enjoying a meal together, look one another in the eyes, and engage in meaningful conversation. Avoid topics that would cause critique or conflict. Open your ears and listen to what your partner is saying without thinking of an immediate response while they are still talking. Then acknowledge that you have sincerely heard what was said.
If you go to a movie or a play, hold hands while sitting, share the same popcorn and soda, and then talk about your opinions on the show afterward. Any event will work and if you don’t share the same ideas on what you should do, alternate venues.
He wants to see a movie and you want to have dinner on the beach. Easy. One thing this week, the other next week. Be excited to spend quality time with one another and fully engage, mindfully, and purposefully. Whatever you do, don’t skip out on your mate and reschedule!
Most importantly, if it’s not “your thing”, don’t disassociate. Make an extra effort to consciously focus on your partner and fully participate in the event. Make new memories. That is what mindfulness is and does.
Memories and mindfulness
Sit down with your loved one and create a list of things that make each of you happy and deliriously in love. Remember when you were dating, and he brought you flowers or when she would nibble on your ears? Write. It. Down.
Use a list or even cut these suggestions out on strips of paper and place them in a jar. Each week grab one out and do it. Suggestions? Hold hands while watching TV. Bring a surprise home after work; a candy bar, a new perfume, a flower you picked from the neighbor’s yard… anything, but make sure it’s sincere.
Write a love note to your partner. Be specific about what it is you love about him/her. Cook and serve a favorite meal. Grocery shop together. These things are simple but can mean the world to your lover and your relationship.
Mindfulness for couples doesn’t mean you must gaze into each other’s eyes and affirm your undying affection. There are endless “exercises” you could include in your daily lives that will create mutual love and adoration. And when you are mindful of your love and adoration guess what happens? You are less likely to explode during the difficult conversations inevitable in any relationship.
Engage mindfully with your partner
Engaging your conscious mind to be more mindfully aware of loving and being loved will move your relationship from a should be/could be/would be existence to a “this is” experience.
You both will subconsciously reflect on how loved you are and that you are in this together, thus creating a stronger bond and much greater respect for your mate. It’s a win-win! Don’t stop with these few suggestions though. Find what works best in your relationship and for your given situation.
You wouldn’t neglect to give yourself food or water, right? Relationships take continuous work and nurturing as well. Mindfulness for a couple is work, yes, but it’s so worth it! Give your partnership the fuel it deserves to grow and succeed!
My final thought
I think this all boils down to attention, awareness, and presence. Our lives get busy and it becomes a catch-all excuse. We shouldn’t allow that most important person in our life to feel as if we no longer see them, hear them, or care enough to spend quality time with them.
Here are the links to the posts I mentioned above.
How Mindfulness Helps You Enjoy the Journey
Simple Love and Care Advice for Couples
Thank You for reading this post and I hope you will share it with your family and friends.